Dog Attack...oh I mean Incidental Contact with a Dog

This morning went as all my recent mornings go. I wake up. I take a shower, shave and brush my teeth. After which I eat my sugar enriched cereal. Then I open the front door and head towards my car. And as usual, the neighbors pitbull is there to greet me. He snarls with blood dripping from his teeth. I haven’t seen our cat recently and wonder if its her blood that is dripping. I feint left and right trying to reach my car before the dog reaches me. Most days I am successful. But today I was not so lucky. He latched onto my leg fangs digging deep. Under the delirium of pain, I  smash the dog soundly with my heavy, but antique, briefcase. The dog is stunned and runs back to the safety of my neighbors yard.

Enraged, I call the police. All the time pain surging up my leg. They seemed very concerned, but took several hours arriving to investigate. After I told the officer what had happened, he expressed sympathy. Then explained why they could not take the dog away.

“It is not the dogs fault he bit you. “ the officer began. “Dogs only do the bidding of their owners. If we take the dog away, the owner, who by the way is jealous of your new car and sent the dog to bite you, will find another way to bite you. He could even just bite you himself.”

“Well then go and arrest the owner,” I suggested.

“Oh we could do that, but we are sure your neighbor will not be home. You see, dog owners are very hard to find.  When we search for one, they just disappear and we can never find them.  When ever we do find a dog owner, we arrest them.  It is just so hard to find all the dog owners of pitbulls.  Sometimes the pitbulls are disquised as other dogs and so it makes it even harder to find all pitbull dog owners.  Last year we even killed one of the dog breeders, but that still hasn't stopped owners from buying more of these vicisous dogs."
On and on the office and I argued. The officer never making any more sense. And I just got more and more irritated until, I just threw him our of the house. Unfortunately for the officer he landed in my juniper bush. He found out why my family has nicknamed the bush, the "spider bush."  As he brushed off spiders with a fair amount of cursing, he climbed into his cruiser and left.

I have nothing against dogs. I love dogs. I have one in the backyard with all of her pups. She is a beautiful golden retriever and has had many litters. However, this last litter seems odd. Many of them just lie down and wait for me to bring them their meals of pork ribs. Others strut around as if they own the yard, my house and me. The most interesting part is that none of the pups look alike.

It must be those coyotes fault I thought. I built a huge fence around my backyard to keep out unwanted suitors like my neighbors pitbull. But all the mangy mongrels in the neighborhood seem to find their way into my backyard to court my golden retriever. They could not find the way in at first, but eventually the dogs lead by the coyotes tunneled under the fence. As I watch the pitbulls, mixed breeds and coyotes jumping around barking and playing, I wonder if there is some other reason they tunnel under my fence. Maybe other dog owners don’t give their dogs the best part of the pork like I do.

Just to help ensure I do not get bitten again, I have donated large sums of money to pitbull breeders throughout the country. Telling them it would be nice, if they could breed some kindness and respect into their dogs. When they show signs of being uncomfortable, I quickly add that even if they are not successful in making nicer dogs, that I will still give them money. Then the breeders smile overjoyed with my generousity.

After the officer left, my leg still ached with every heart beat. I decided to go to the doctor. This must have been strange day because the doctor made less  sense then the officer. After bandaging the teeth marks in my leg, he explained how dogs were very sensitive.

“That is why.” he said, “ we don’t call these dog attaches, but incidental contact with dogs. “

He insisted I never mention I was attached by a dog, because that would make not only dogs, but their owners mad. And then they might just send all their dogs to attach us.

“Incidental contact with a dog.” he repeated as I left his office grateful the bite felt better, but confused about why people were treating dogs and their owners so delicately.

When I got home later that night. I went to the back to feed my dogs. Again I thought about the pork and decided my dogs needed a higher carb diet. In about a month it worked, the neighborhood dogs did not come by so often. So it wasn’t the golden retriever they wanted, but the pork. However, the change in diet has still not stopped the pitbulls from entering my backyard or chasing me. So far I have just been lucky I haven’t been bit again.